The Darkest Light

I had a parishioner tell me today what a gift I have been given to be God’s Light to so many. She said I am “truly a blessing” and after I humbly thanked her, I thought to myself, “If only you knew.”

As gifted as I may be at times at sharing God’s Light, I am also well aware of how it feels to be enveloped in darkness. Any hope, peace, and joy I emanate is piggy backed by cynicism, irritability, and general crankiness more often than I care to admit. (My husband will vouch for this!)

I confuse myself sometimes. How can I be so motivated and content one day and 24 hours later, feel like I want to scratch out the eyes of the people who live with me (especially after all the involuntary together time in 2020?!?)

I am a mystery to myself. Who is the real me? The one gifted with sharing God’s Light, or the one who would give my right arm to just break out of this house?

The answer: both of them are the real me.

Those seemingly opposite facets exist simultaneously, and the sooner I make peace with that, the better.

I am not ONLY light or ONLY dark: I live in the midst of both all the time. So do you. So does everyone.

One of my favorite ways to spend time is reading, and I was fortunate enough to have a dear friend recommend to me in summer 2019 that I read some books by Franciscan priest, Father Richard Rohr, who founded the Center for Action and Contemplation in New Mexico over 30 years ago. Center for Action and Contemplation (cac.org)

Father Richard challenges me to open myself to bigger possibilities, instead of trying to shrink everything down into manageable chunks of knowledge. I especially appreciate his insight about non-dual thinking, a concept I had never encountered before, and offer a brief explanation of below, in his words…

"The dualistic mind is essentially binary, either/or thinking. It knows by comparison, opposition, and differentiation. It uses descriptive words like good/evil, pretty/ugly, smart/stupid, not realizing there may be a hundred degrees between the two ends of each spectrum. Dualistic thinking works well for the sake of simplification and conversation, but not for the sake of truth or the immense subtlety of actual personal experience. Most of us settle for quick and easy answers instead of any deep perception, which we leave to poets, philosophers, and prophets. Yet depth and breadth of perception should be the primary arena for all authentic religion. How else could we possibly search for God?”

It is tempting to look at the world with a dualistic mind and think, “This is bad. This is very, very bad.” Living through a pandemic at the same time that race relations are so tenuous, and the country is divided by political opinion, makes “This is bad,” a completely understandable response. But it sure doesn’t offer much hope.

A non-dual mind can look at that same situation and see the selfless sacrifice many have exemplified throughout the pandemic.

A non-dual mind can look at race relations and recognize that perhaps there is finally a conversation going on about things that have been swept under the rug for centuries.

A non-dual mind can look at differing politics and ponder where the common ground might be.

And with that same mind, we can take a look at ourselves, recognizing the dark places, and recommit to letting light shine through them.

Even the darkest light offers hope.