So I named this blog “The Holy Mess” as a reflection of how we find God in the dailiness of our lives. That process is often not pretty, or exactly the way we want it to be. This past Friday night, the phrase “Holy Mess” took on a whole new meaning for me!
I have been preparing to do a TED talk since the beginning of November. I wrote and rewrote what I planned to say, submitted multiple videos for feedback, and memorized the 8 minute speech. In the week leading up to the taping in front of an audience, I incessantly ran the words through my head and practiced at every opportunity. When the big moment came, I was nervous, but not abnormally so. I’ve spoken in front of people numerous times---I do it on a pretty regular basis in my job currently. For crying out loud, my Bachelor’s degree is in ACTING!!! I know how to memorize lines and deliver a performance, which made what happened next all the more mystifying: I got 8 lines in and derailed. I couldn’t think of the next sentence to save my life, and I couldn’t just make stuff up till I got back on track, or the panic would completely do me in. So I did something I never would’ve dreamed I’d do in a million years: I stopped and said, “Can I start over? I’m so nervous.”
I turned my back to the audience (an unbelievably supportive audience who clapped, called out encouraging words, and sent countless love vibes my way!!) Gathering my thoughts and trying to slow down my breathing, I turned back around and started again. But I was thrown by being thrown, and lo and behold, once again I stopped, actually saying out loud, “I can’t do this.” I wished so badly that a trapdoor would appear and yank me down to its depths. I was desperate to be somewhere completely by myself, without 100 pairs of eyes trained on me. I felt paralyzed, while simultaneously envisioning myself bolting from that ballroom!
But I managed to hover between those two extremes, with the help of my husband, Don, who came up to the stage from his place in the audience, made eye contact with me and said, “Just tell us your story”.
There is something amazingly calming about having the person you’ve spent over half your life with jump in and BE THERE for you. It still took me two tries to finally get on track, but I did it, and I don’t know if I could have done it without Don throwing me that life preserver. I was floundering so badly and he wasn’t going to let me sink. Not on his watch. He has always been very protective and relishes in the two of us being a team. I don’t know anyone who more consciously and intentionally lives out his wedding vows than the man I married.
What made that moment even more precious was our son and daughter being there to see it. Both kids had rearranged their work and social schedules in order to be there for me that night. I had hoped they would be moved by their mom’s message about God, and that they’d be proud of me for commanding the stage so well.
Instead, they were witness to one of the most totally embarrassing moments of my life and saw firsthand what a devoted husband does for the wife he loves. I have thought about those particular moments a lot in the last 48 hours and came to this realization:
What lesson did I want my kids to come away with after hearing this talk? That everything they attempt is supposed to be perfect? As much as I wanted this talk to be perfect, the messiness and vulnerability of the whole thing hopefully made an even greater impact on them. Watching Mom screw up and keep trying, paired with the image of their dad swooping in to take care of Mom, will ideally be an experience that they reflect on and helps them realize what’s really important in life.
God comes to us in all kinds of ways. I went into this experience with the mindset that I was going to broaden and deepen people’s experience of God. Instead, all the people in that room, and in particular, my loyal and devoted husband, gave me the grace and courage and love that I so desperately needed.
A treasured friend summed it up very well when he said, “Between your experience of it as humility and others’ experience of it as grace, I am reminded of the insight of John the Baptist when he talked about his desire to decrease so that Christ may increase.” I’ve heard those words many times in my life, but truly, having a LIVED EXPERIENCE of them is something that will stay with me forever.
So indeed, while Friday’s TED talk was the poster child for a “Holy Mess”, I am more convinced than ever that that’s not a bad thing. God brings good from all.
Comments