All That Heals Is Love

“It would seem that, quite possibly, the ultimate measure of health in any community might well reside in our ability to stand in awe at what folks have to carry rather than in judgment at how they carry it.”

BAM!!! Reading that sentence was like a bolt of lightning going through my entire body. The book it’s from is called, “Barking to the Choir”, by Father Gregory Boyle. He is a hero of mine. He doesn’t just TALK about the Gospel: he LIVES it daily in a humble, humorous, genuine way.

Father Boyle is the founder of Homeboy Industries, the largest gang intervention program in the USA. It’s been around for over 30 years, and has given hope, purpose and joy to men and women who had given up on those things a long, long time ago.

One of the most challenging and enlightening insights from this book is the theory he posits that there is no such thing as “good guys” and “bad guys”. Remember, these words are coming from a man who has worked with people guilty of drug dealing, theft, murder and all kinds of deeds that we are quick to deem as “evil”. There is no denying that they have done horrible things. The question is: why?

In answer, Father Boyle tells the stories of countless “homies”, and what they experienced during their formative years, including being eyewitnesses to violent crime, victims of physical and sexual abuse, and being neglected or deserted by the people who were supposed to be taking care of them.

In short, no one loved them well.

Society’s answer? Throw them behind bars, make them feel more worthless than they already do, and then forget about them.

I am not saying people shouldn’t be held accountable for their actions. But let’s do a better job of teaching them how to act instead. If they’ve never experienced the power of loving choices in their lives, how will they know that option even exists?

I am 50 years old and have been molded and formed by people who have loved me well my whole life long.

My parents provided a safe, secure home where we laughed a lot and shared dinner as a family on a regular basis. They showed up at every school play, choir concert, and awards banquet I was in. They taught me how to pray and extend kindness to others. They forgave me for my selfishness, and ALWAYS hugged and kissed me and told me they loved me before I went to bed each night.

My sister has always been my rock. We moved a lot as kids, and every time we started over in a new city, Kim was the constant that helped me get my bearings about me. She is still my North Star.

The friends I am surrounded by have my back, no matter what. I don’t even question it. I know who to call in the middle of the night and who will drop whatever they’re doing to be there for me when I need them.

My husband loves me completely, just as I am. Day in and day out, whether I’m riding cloud nine or trying to crawl out of a pit of hormonal ping pong, I know that nothing and no one means more to Don than I do. When I do not feel lovable is perhaps when he loves me most.

Those kind of people and that kind of love are not inherent in the life of all human beings. And when love is lacking, it shows up in a myriad of devastating ways. Many are described in depth in “Barking to the Choir”.

Nothing transforms like love.

Shame, blame, judgment and finger pointing DO NOT HEAL.

As Father Boyle points out, “There are no monsters, villains, or bad guys. There are only folks who carry unspeakable pain. There are among us the profoundly traumatized who deal in the currency of damage. And there are those whose minds are ill, whose sickness chases them every day. But there are no bad guys. Jesus seems to suggest that there are no exceptions to this. Yet it’s hard for us to believe him.”

Indeed.

Love is not a given for everyone. We must take it upon ourselves to make love a reality for those who need it most.